Alice (Underground) Avril Lavigne - Lyrics

Here is a song to musically represent the journey I have been on this year.

Just like the lyrics say:

"When the world is crashing down, When I fall and hit the ground, I will turn myself around, Don't you try to stop me!"

The news that we were to have IVF was devastating at first, but I did not let that stop me. My dream is to be a mother and with a lot of faith and trust in my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I have gotten through and in a few short months my dreams will be coming true.

Thank you all for supporting me in love and prayer,

I love you all!

God Bless!

May the year 2012 be full of blessings for all of us!

Jen

My Christmas Rant (I apologize in advance if this offends anyone)

Well I'm sitting here, it's after midnight and I just can't seem to fall asleep. It's technically Christmas eve (just super early in the morning).
I haven't really been in the Christmas spirit too much this year. I think that is because there is a lot about the way Christmas is celebrated that really bothers me. Take "Santa Claus" for example. Now, don't get me wrong, the idea of a jolly old man who unselfishly gives gifts to the children of the world...it's a nice concept. I had "Santa Claus" when I was young..I turned out alright. I guess what I don't appreciate is that it is a lie that children are told and it is a lie they feed into so they get more things...more presents. Kids don't ask for dollies and dinky cars nowadays, trust me, I've read the letters. They ask for things like quads, snowmobiles, cellphones, iPods, laptops, gaming systems, $$$ etc.$$$ etc.  I'm 25 soon to be 26 years old...some of these things I don't even own and cannot afford to own...yet kids write letters to Santa expecting to receive these things...and what is more sad, there are kids that actually receive these things as gifts (from "Santa"). Kind of raises the bar pretty high for the parents that cannot afford to buy these things for their children. Sort of makes the kid that gets a doll and not a laptop think Santa must hate her or something otherwise why did Sally get a laptop and all I got was a stinkin' doll? Also, what happened to the naughty and nice list??? I know there are kids out there who are naughty 85-95% of the time and they still get those quads, dirtbikes, snowmobiles, laptops, cellphones...you name it. Hmm...must be awesome to be that kid. I can do whatever I want without consequence...and basically get rewarded for acting like that all year long?! Nice. No, seriously, that is really messed up! I know you're supposed to be nice at Christmas but not disciplining your child all year and then giving them everything they want...yeah that doesn't sound like a recipe for success if you ask me.
Sorry, that was my rant on Santa Claus and how the whole Santa Claus thing is played out in homes around the world. I just cannot stand it. Yes, I play along with it every year. I'm a teacher, I have to. But, the whole buy buy buy, spend spend spend, shop shop shop, has made Christmas into this terrible holiday that makes me cringe and want to hide under a rock. The awkward "oh you bought us a gift, but we have chosen not to buy presents for anyone this year" conversation never ends in warm fuzzy feelings inside. It's terrible and the pressure and stress that comes along with it is enough to make a person sick.
Do you want to know what Christmas is truly supposed to be all about? CHRIST!
Yes, you heard me. Jesus Christ. Well over 2000 years ago God gave the ultimate gift to the people of Earth. He sent His son to be born of Mary and to be called Jesus, Emmanuel (God With Us). He was brought into the world only to die for the sins of man, that all who believe in Him shall have eternal life. God could not have given us a greater gift. That gift beats an iPod or a laptop or a quad any day of the week and Christmas should be a celebration of the fact that God gave us this wonderful gift of Jesus Christ. Santa Claus has nothing to do with it. It is not called Santa-mas...it's called Christ-mas! I have nothing against those of you who choose to celebrate Christmas with Santa Claus. It is your choice and I hope you enjoy your holidays and find joy in the moments you share with your family and loved ones. I hope the kids wake up and experience the same joy I did on Christmas morning thinking Santa had been there and left us all these wonderful presents. It is magical. Just do me a favour. Please do not forget that Christmas is the time to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. So, while you're thanking Santa for the presents he placed under your tree, send up a prayer of thanks. A thank you that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Sorry, this blog post has not had much to do with fertility, and it seems like I'm bashing Santa (which I'm not. Santa is a great story about unselfishly giving to others, and I'm a huge supporter of unselfish giving, really I am!!)

Moving onto the fertility side of things...in a little less than 4 months we will be heading to Victoria to begin the process of starting a family. You already know that but this Christmas, we have chosen to cut back on the gifts and material things. We are saving up our pennies diligently to make our dream of having a child come true. The Lord has been so good to us and He has not ceased in providing for us every step of the way. Our dream seems to be more and more within our reach every day. I am so grateful to have a loving God who not only gave His only Son as a gift to save me from my sins but who provides for me in every aspect of my life. Everything I have is because of Him and Him alone. I am so excited to begin this new chapter of my life. I have been working to lose some weight and get healthier. It has been baby steps, but I am doing it one step at a time. This new year we are about to embark on is about health and happiness. It is about prioritizing, that is, spending more time on things of importance and less time on the things that do not matter. I am turning over a new leaf. I have realized that part of that turning over a new leaf has included leaving the material/commerical/santa claus focused Christmas of my past IN the past and working towards a Christmas that is focused on Christ and his birth and all that means for us. That does not mean my kids won't know about Santa Claus. It does mean they will know he is not real. I will give my children gifts at Christmas..but they will be gifts from their father and I, not from some supernatural being who flies with reindeer and comes down a non-existent chimney. All I want for Christmas this year is to spend time with my husband, family and friends in celebration that Christ was born to save us all. That is a beautiful story and I encourage you to sit down with your children and read it to them! You'll be glad you did.
So I apologize for the fact that this is nearly exclusively a rant about Christmas, but it's my blog...and I'll write what I want to.....lol!
Merry Christmas!! May you truly feel the blessings of God upon you and feel truly grateful for all that has been given you!
Love to you all!

Jen

A bit more information...

So my doctor emailed me back after I asked him a few more questions. I sent another email in reply and am waiting on other answers...but in the mean time here is what I found out!

I am at risk of OHSS not just because of my polycystic ovaries but because I am so young. The younger you are the higher the chance and worse the OHSS can be.

A fresh transfer at the time of retrieval can still be successful but the odds go down by 20% =(  The doctor says he would only do a fresh transfer if we have enough good quality embryos (and if I was comfortable with it). He does say that there are still lots of successful pregnancies achieved with the use of GnRH agonists instead of HcG. I have emailed him in response that it bothers me to not give my baby the best chance at survival...but that ultimately I'd like to think on it and hear his professional insight.

If we did not do a fresh transfer it would be 6weeks before my body would be calmed down enough to start the 2 weeks of estrogen treatment I would need to get ready for a frozen transfer. Then I would only have to go to Victoria for a few days to go through a frozen transfer! This takes us to about mid June. I should be pregnant before summer vacation !!! =)

I have a prescription of metformin to fill and we both have some lab work to get done.


And again, I just feel this whole journey has been in God's hands and I feel so at ease, especially with my doctor. He must have been hand picked by the man upstairs himself! He really does make me feel so cared for. So I am singing the praises of my heavenly father as always! He has made this journey so much easier!

I tell ya...it feels amazing to have things in motion!! My new year is looking more and more like the new year I had envisioned! I cannot wait =D


God bless you all!

I will keep you posted!

For now, continue to lift us up in prayer. It is greatly appreciated!

Love you all!!

Jen

So the journey continues..

So yesterday was the big day....the phone consultation with Dr.H from Victoria. I have never had a doctor make me feel so comfortable and cared for in all my many experiences with doctors in my life thus far. It was a nice change! He outlined our medical history and asked me questions to get a clear picture of our situation and he then outlined our options. He pretty much had the same options as the doctor we spoke with in Calgary. Injectables to make me ovulate and try,try again, Ovarian drilling (and try, try again), a combination of 3 different oral drugs and try, try again OR... IVF with ICSI. If I had chosen any of the other options other than IVF Luc would also be subject to various tests and procedures as well. Now, you may be wondering, with the options aforementioned why would we choose to go with IVF. Well...after years of try, try, try, try, try, try again....and my lovely experience with Clomid...I feel like subjecting myself to scientific experimentation yet again to see if MAYBE it could work just doesn't sound like the kind of new year I was hoping for. I am so done with maybes and finger crossing and getting my hopes up just to have them dashed. I know IVF will work. Even if it doesn't work the first time...I know it will work. Just like regular people know that eventually it will work for them if they do things the old fashioned way. The doctor instilled me with a lot of hope that it would work for me. I don't get that same hopefulness when I look at the other options. When I look at the other options I see stress, emotional chaos, maybes, blood tests, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests...months of convincing myself I'm finally pregnant to find out I didn't even ovulate.......it sounds like torture! Now, you're thinking...well aren't you going to experience some of this with IVF? The answer is yes, I am. Am I going to get pregnant with IVF? Yes! Am I going to get pregnant whilst travelling down one of the other routes? MAYBE! Gah! That maybe is killer. I just can't even think about hearing a maybe or waiting and waiting and waiting to see if I MAYBE just might get to be a mother anymore. I have spent to much of my life living that maybe and it is worse than anything else I have ever experienced. It's inexplicable. IVF means hope. IVF means a baby. IVF means parenthood for Luc and I. IVF means a dream come true.
Now, the real kicker. As we all know I have polycystic ovaries. Women with polycystic ovaries like myself can have IVF but we are in the danger zone when it comes to Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome. My doctor explained to me that this is because of HcG. HcG is usually given to release the mature follicles before retrieval. In most women this would not be a problem. You get the HcG trigger, release your follicles and your body is in a state to accept the embryos when it comes to implantation. Now, because I have a risk of serious complications from OHSS, the doctor would not use HcG to release the follicles but something called a GnRH agonist. The GnRH agonist does the same job as the HcG in releasing the follicles but it decreases the success rate of that cycle of IVF because unlike HcG  it does not as well prepare the body to receive and properly implant an embryo. Because of this our doctor has proposed vitrification. It is the latest freezing technology used in fertility clinics. Old freezing technologies compromised the embryos because many did not survive the thaw due to the water in them crystallizing during the freezing process. With vitrification there is no crystallization because it undergoes the freezing process in a fraction of a second and the thaw is very successful. Success rates with embryos that have been vitrified are just a good as those done with fresh embryos. This means that our first go at IVF would be mostly focused on the retrieval off eggs and creation of the embryos. The doctor said if he felt we had "any to spare" he would possibly try a fresh transfer at that time, but that the majority would be vitrified. Once our retrieval was complete and our embryos were created and vitrified, the doctor would allow my body to sort of calm down and then he would give me some medication to prepare my body better to receive the embryos and we would do a frozen embryo transfer at a later date. I am waiting to hear the time lines on all of this stuff. I do not know how long between retrieval/vitrification and frozen embryo transfer. I will create another post when I know more. For now though, we are planning on going over Easter break to start the process. Surprisingly that is less than 5 months away! I am so excited to begin this new phase of our journey! Now that I know the fate that lies ahead I feel a huge sense of calm and a lot less anxiety over what I am about to experience. Please continue to lift us up in prayer.
Thanks for reading,

Love you all!

Jen

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

Well, it's official. We have a telephone consultation with Dr. Hudson from the Victoria clinic November 26. Finally! Now it's just a matter of remaining patient until then. Thankfully, it's just over a month away. In 1 month we will have a definite plan and I keep telling myself that having a clear and definite plan will make things easier. Uncertainty is kind of hard to deal with. I don't know what the Dr. is going to say or what his specific plan will be. I know what they said in Calgary, but who knows if it will be the same thing in Victoria. All I know is that hearing from the Dr. himself will really set my mind at ease and give me a goal to work towards that seems much more tangible than the one I feel I currently have. After our consultation it will only be 5 months before we go for treatment. Hard to even fathom that at this point. The thought stirs up all sorts of emotions. Excitement, anxiety, fear, worry, joy...a total mixed bag of feelings. If I don't die from the suspense of waiting then we'll be golden!

On another note however, I've had a bit of a rough time lately. It might be hard to understand, but just over 1 year ago, we started treatment with Clomid. I was sure it was going to work for me, and as some of you know, by December I thought it had (of course it didn't...hence the fact that I have no baby). I can't help but think about it. I think back at the hopefulness I had last September. That excitement and anticipation that I was finally going to be a mommy and life would finally begin! If my prayers had been answered and my dreams had come true I would have a beautiful 4 month old baby right now. Unfortunately I do not. I'm still waiting. On the bright side, that sad, bitter, angry and depressed person I was last winter...for all those months...that is not who I am today...though I do get a little sad from time to time if I let my mind wander to thoughts of baby rooms, bonnets and booties and the fact that I have no babies and am about to turn 26 (a time when I had envisioned myself having at least 2 or 3 children). I am actually very hopeful and positive and I feel like things in every part of my life are better because of my new outlook on things. Accepting my fate has been liberating. IVF does not have to be a curse unless you let it seem like one. It is just one more challenge I must face. Sometimes I think that God is just testing me to make sure I'm really fit to be a mother. It's not a job for sissies who aren't willing to fight for it and invest all of themselves..and each day I have to wait and fight and persist is building me up to become the best mother in the eyes of God...or at least that is what I tell myself to make it seem a little less harder to endure. Who knows? I just know in my heart of hearts that I am meant to be a mother. Every ounce of me just bleeds motherhood. I think I've been told this since I was a baby myself. I have a real gift for loving others. Children in particular. Right now I have a classroom full of these amazing children that I get to spend time with and enjoy everyday and that is a huge blessing to me. Being a teacher is such a privilege because I get to share in the lives of some very amazing kids and I can say that I have helped them to grow. It blows my mind when I stop to think about it. I educate children for a living. They learn things from me! It's probably the coolest job ever. It's a hard job, but man...it is so awesome and 100% rewarding. It's funny because people always think I am crazy for wanting to teach other people's children and they also make a lot of comments like "how could you want kids when you have to deal with the kids you deal with everyday?" Well, though there are days that are harder than others....teaching does nothing but confirm my desire to be a mother. I enjoy what I do. I love each and every one of my students...even the ones that drive me crazy! There is just something special about each one of them, and my ability to see that makes my job a lot easier to do. So until I get children of my own, I will enjoy each moment I can share with the ones I have at the school. Notice I said "until" I get (not IF!)
Anyways, here I go rambling again.
Just have to wait for that phone call and things will really start to come together!
Thanks for reading!

Love you all

Jen

Really hoping it's the best year ever!

I've been getting my classroom ready for back to school this last little while. As some of you know the school has been under renovations so it has been kind of a crazy process getting things ready for children to actually be able to occupy the building. The school looks awesome and the stage is set for us to have an amazing year. It has got me to thinking about the changes I am making in my own life (kind of like the changes being made to the school). I have decided to make some lifestyle changes, starting with the food that I eat. I have decided to eat more healthfully (begin to eliminate my unhealthy food vices and replace those bad habits with good habits) and carry a water bottle with me at all times and drink from it regularly. I am also going to begin to be more active. These changes are necessary for me to lead a long, healthy life and in order for me to pass down healthy habits to my future children. These changes are also necessary so that I can better prepare myself for IVF. I could stand to lose a few pounds. I'm not unhappy with myself, I love me as I am, but...improvements could always be made. With our plans for IVF sitting around Easter/Spring break time next year I have some time to focus on these health goals and really try to achieve them. Thankfully my family (mother, sisters, husband...etc) have all been making healthy changes so that I am not alone (like I have been in the past). It is nearly impossible to be successful in making healthy lifestyle changes if you are going in alone.
Needless to say it has been an interesting year so far, from extreme despair over the fact that we are unable to conceive naturally, to extreme happiness with the birth of my beautiful niece, and the changes that have been made personally in my life. I am excited for the school year in our new and improved building...and I am excited for this year in my personal life, as it is a new journey for health and wellness as well as the journey to finally become pregnant via IVF.
I love you all so much and you have been very supportive.
Thanks so much for being there!

Jen

The Vacation

So as many of you know Luc and I have been on vacation in California (and loving every minute of it!!) The reason we decided to go on a vacation is because we plan on next year being our IVF year, and thus funds will not only be tight, but I will (hopefully) be pregnant! Who wants to travel all over the place when they're pregnant? My feet, legs and knees hurt enough right now, can't imagine what it'd be like to be on this vacation preggo!
Anyways, it has been hard not to focus on $$ this whole vacation. As anyone who knows anything about IVF would know....it's very expensive. I'm not talking like prada purse expensive....i'm talking it'd buy someone a nice Ford Focus or thereabouts expensive.
Vacationing is really not cheap. I mean I know you can go on cheap vacations...but when you're doing your trip of choice because you know you may never come back...you spend some dough that's for sure. I'm a pretty frugal person admittedly...so I already am pretty tight-pocketed...but, throw in the fact that I am trying to save my pennies to be able to live my dream of becoming a mother...and it's even worse. Now, I've tried to let it go and enjoy myself...and I've done surprisingly well..but it has still been rather difficult. I've just had to tell myself it is our last big wa-hoo as a married couple without children, not to mention the fact that we never had a honeymoon.
Anyways, this is me rambling on again...lol
The vacation has been AMAZING! I love California. I would not live here...but to visit....I HIGHLY recommend it =)
I would suggest not limiting yourself to just one part of California. Get yourself a rental and drive everywhere within reach. You'll see some amazing sights and you'll really get a feel for the "golden state."
I have to say that we are really enjoying our time in California. We miss Bella (our dog) and of course I miss my family...but it has definitely been awesome to just be able to be Luc and Jen alone for an entire 10 days!! Some people may not want to spend that much time alone with their husband...but I tell ya, I love mine dearly and it has been wonderful =)
So this has basically been a blog about me...trying to enjoy my vacation and not think about the money I am not using for IVF..lol....though I still have plenty of time to save for that (and already quite a bit saved). When your Frugal Francine like me...you notice every penny in and out...lol....but like I said...it hasn't kept me from enjoying my vacation one little bit...not near as much as I thought it would...and I know my next vacation...I'll be spending it not only with my wonderful husband...but my children as well =)
Love you all.

Jen

Sign the petition! Then, tell all your friends to sign the petition!

There is a petition to get IVF coverage for Alberta.
Basically the argument is :
(from the site listed below)

" In countries around the world that fund fertility treatments it has been proven that public funding actually saves money by reducing the incidence of complicated and expensive multiple pregnancies and improving medical outcomes for both the mother and the babies. Assisting Albertans is therefore not only the right thing to do but also it is the logical and smart thing to do.

The purpose of this petition is to inform our government of the importance of family and to demonstrate that Albertans support public funding. This will not only save money but also facilitate safer pregnancies and healthier babies when fertility treatments are required. "

http://www.generationsofhope.ca/petition.php

Please sign this petition if it is on your heart to do so

Today is the day, you have made and I will rejoice and be glad in it!

Ever have one of those days where it was really super hard to stay positive and be in a good mood. Of course you have, we all have. Today is one of those days. Instead of getting all bent out of shape and grumpy I am choosing to fill my mind with the word of God through the Bible and song and focus on all the positive things in my life.
Positive #1:
Our IVF consult with Calgary is over. We got some great information and had a much needed mini-break from life in GP.

Positive#2:
That news about my medications being covered is still making me giddy!! I cannot believe how awesome that is! Praise the Lord!

Positive#3:
Steps have been taken in getting things set up with the Victoria Fertility Clinic and the staff I have interacted with there have been amazing. My paperwork/medical information is being forwarded to them and I feel like I take steps closer to my dream of being a mom everyday!

Positive#4:
God is good always. In all ways God is good <3
He hears our prayers, our cries for help and he is always there. What an awesome God we serve.

Positive#5:
I have an amazing husband, family and friends and I love them all so much because of the love, care and support they have shown me.

Positive#6:
We leave for California in less than a week and I am so excited. YAY!

Positive#7: 
I have an amazing job that I love. Teaching is something that God made me for. I enjoy what I do, and even though it's summer break and I'm not teaching everyday, it is my passion and I love it.

Positive#8:
I have the cutest dog in the world. I mean, have you seen her? She is so cute. Just to look at her puts a huge smile on my face.

Positive#9:
Did I mention I serve the most AWESOME God?!

Positive#10:
Even when people try to bring me down, I know that their hearts are just hardened to the love Christ has for them. It is only by remaining positive and loving and showing mercy that we can reach these people and help them to open their eyes and their hearts and their entire lives to living for Christ and loving Him fully.

Those are just the first 10 things off the top of my head. I didn't even mention that I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and all the luxuries I have the privilege to enjoy everyday!
Thanks to all you loving supporters who are reading this. Not sure why it's an off day today...but I'm not letting it get me down!

Love always,

Jen

How Can I Keep From Singing?

From "How can I keep from singing?" by Chris Tomlin   
 How can I keep from singing your praise?
How can I ever say enough, how amazing is your love?
How can I keep from shouting your name?  I know I am loved by the king, and it makes my heart want to sing!!
I can sing in the troubled times,  Sing when I win.
I can sing when I lose my step  And I fall down again. 
I can sing 'cause You pick me up ,  Sing 'cause You're there.
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord,   When I call to You in prayer.
I can sing with my last breath, Sing for I know that I'll sing with the angels  and the saints around the throne




Why am  I so happy you might ask?? Well....today has been a great day and I have only been awake for just over 2 hours!
First thing, I got an email from Dr.H in Victoria. As soon as I am able to get the information sent to him from Dr.M's office and we fill out our information packages we can have our telephone consult and the dates of treatment are flexible to what works for our schedule....completely opposite of Calgary (where you call in and get on a waiting list that is from 2-3 months...and when they offer you treatment it is your job to be ready.)
SECOND....I called my insurance this morning. I had already called them once, but I didn't give the exact Drug Identification Numbers...I asked more of a general question. This time I had the information I needed. My medications are covered, even when prescribed out of province and even if the meds are dispensed by the clinic itself and not at a pharmacy.
I could not be happier right now. Knowing the meds are covered is the difference between IVF costing $6000 and $16000.....it saves us tens of thousands of dollars.
So that is why I am singing praises to my Almighty Saviour this morning. He is watching over us always and this whole process would be impossible without Him.
Just a bit of an update there for you all! Great start to a great day. To quote another of my favourite songs, "Today is the day You have made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it!"

Thanks for reading, caring and praying!! Those prayers are working wonders, just as they always do!!
God Bless you all!!

Love,
Jen

The Verdict

Today we had some testing done, I'll spare you the nitty gritty details because I feel that is inappropriate, but given the long list of options of how to treat our specific situation....IVF with ICSI is the plan the doctor most recommended, given my results and Luc's results. The other options he gave were options that, though less invasive, were sort of "you can try them but chances are they won't work" type of options. He even said I could try ovarian drilling surgery and then MAYBE I would ovulate. Basically he didn't seem to think it was worth my time, and I certainly do not want any unneccessary surgery (especially if it involves burning holes in places that should not have holes burnt) if it won't guarantee me a baby in the end.
I found out that I have lots of eggs....stupid ovaries just don't want to release them!! I aslo found out that because of my PCOS I have a very high risk of OHSS (hyperstimulation)...which means I could realease too many eggs (another reason he was leary of the aforementioned other options). In otherwords, those nightmares I was having about having triplets...let's just say they are not so far-fetched...so pray that God will give me healthy children, no more than I can handle at one time. Obviously I would be exstatic with 1...2...3...however may babies....but I want them to be healthy!! I hear to often of multiples who do not make it to term and have health issues...I don't wish that on myself or anyone. It's certainly not that I don't want the babies....it's I want them all to be healthy.
Anyways, the doctors and nurses and lab/ultrasound techs in Calgary have been fantastic. Very helpful and very courteous. We are still electing to go to Victoria. Especially now that we have discovered we need IVF with ICSI and the cost of that alone is $1300 less in Victoria. The cost of everything is less in Victoria...and I know it is further away...but I can fly there for free on airmiles, and the cost of a hotel is the same in both places (actually i checked vacation rentals in both places and Victoria seems to have the better availability with better pricing and amenities).
Now I know I had this great plan to walk in and demand my results be given to me in hand, but they are being sent to Dr. M's office....so I can call and have them directed to whichever clinic I need them to be, as well, I can call and let Calgary know we are electing to receive treatment elsewhere for personal reasons and they would have to forward the information to our clinic of choice.
I can't really describe what I am feeling. I didn't really learn anything I didn't already know, other than the ICSI part (and all the information I learned last night at the info session)...which I have to say I had a feeling we'd need the ICSI...so I wasn't extremely surprised and it is not really a big deal (it's more money but it's not like it's an obstacle we can't overcome). I guess I also got some reassurance from the fact that I have all the right parts and pieces required..lol...just need some help to put it all together. So am I happy???......I'm happy to have the information I need to move forward with the process. I feel more relieved than anything. Relieved to have the testing done and there is no big issues with cysts or fibroids or anything!! Also happy to have a plan of attack in black and white and the ability to move forward when we're "ready" (if you know me...you know i'm READY...it's the money and the time off work that are really dictating when we can actually go for treatment).
So...verdict. IVF with ICSI.
Place of treatment...Victoria
We have a plan...it's time to take steps towards executing it and making our dreams a reality.
I hope this all makes sense to everyone. We are happy to have a plan of attack...now we work towards executing it =0)
Thanks for reading, for praying and for caring!!!
Love you all

Jen

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Oy vey! I feel like my brain is going to explode from all the information I just got at the information session tonight at the Foothills Hospital. So many things I did not know about and so much that I have to ask and research and find out. Wow!
After returning to the hotel and further comparing Calgary to Victoria it still seems so clear in my mind that Victoria is the right clinic for us. Cost, treatment options, communcations and philosophy all line up...where is with Calgary I have a few objections to their way of seeing and doing things...and I think you should be on board with the doctors/clinic who is giving you treatment.
Here is an excerpt from the Victoria Fertility Clinic homepage:

"We acknowledge the stress caused by infertility and believe that no one should have to wait for treatment. Once our patients have been seen and evaluated, there is no delay in starting any form of treatment. We at the VFC will do everything we can to help our patients achieve a successful pregnancy."

My problem with Calgary this whole time has been waiting games, $$$$ and philosophy...and reading through their webpage and Victoria's and comparing costs...it is clear as day which clinic really prides itself on helping people before making $.
We're still praying for discernment on this matter, and we're waiting for our test results and our consultation with the doctor tomorrow and I am also waiting on a response from Victoria with the answers to a few questions, but so far as we can see, Victoria is the place for us.

More to come tomorrow.

Thanks all!

Love you,

Jen

What is this I'm feeling??

So I woke up this morning and I feel so scared for what I am going to find out this weekend...well more specifically tomorrow and Friday.
I don't know why? I have been so relaxed about it but I have this little bit of fear just sitting there in the pit of my stomach. I think it is a fear of the unknown and what I am about to find out. I feel like the worst thing I could hear has already happened...and that was the day I was told "Your only option is IVF if you hope to conceive a biological child." But I guess I feel like...what if that is not the worst thing I could be told??
Please keep me in prayer today and the next few days. I will try to post more information as soon as I get it. Let's pray for really good news and for me to feel encouraged and empowered on this journey.

Thank you to all of you.

Love

Jen

The Do's and Don'ts of interacting with an infertile woman

Hello all!
Just thought I'd write a little do/don't list for my friends and family. It may not apply to every woman struggling with infertility but it certainly applies to me.
DO:

• Ask me how I am doing
• Ask questions if you are curious or interested in something related to my journey. I started this blog to reach out to my friends and family and if you have questions or if you're interested in what's going on...just ask. I LOVE to talk...lol.
• Invite me out/over for coffee to chat about how things are going
• Treat me like you would any normal friend who has normal problems that you would ask about and discuss
• Be supportive of our journey
• Pray for us
• Offer a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen
• Realize that IVF is the path we have chosen and be supportive of that and all that goes along with that
• Approach us and come along side us as friends and family who care for and love us

DON'T:

• Treat me like I am dying of a terminal illness, with pity and sadness (I cannot stand it!!)
• Tell me:
• To relax and let things happen (haha! yeah, that's the key to everything isn't it)
• To not worry so much
• About what worked for such and such a friend and how it might work for me. I have been through enough as it is, and in my doctor's professional opinion, IVF is our only option of concieving a biological child. If we get pregnant naturally between now and then, it will be a miracle of God..nothing more.
• That I am young and have years before I need to worry about having kids. (Not everyone wants to or has the luxury of waiting to be in their 30's before they have children!!!!)
• That I can always adopt. (We have decided that adoption is not for us, so you need to be supportive of that decision).
• Avoid talking to me because you are afraid it's going to be awkward. It will only be awkward if you make it awkward (by avoiding the topic like a pink elephant in the room). I am 100% comfortable with how God made me, and this is a part of how he made me.
• Pretend like you know what I am going through. Unless you have dealt with infertility or problems conceiving you have no idea what I am going through.
• Treat my situation as though I am over-reacting and jumping to crazy solutions for a 'minor' problem. I have been trying to have a baby for over 2 years and have been given medications and tried all sorts of natural remedies and they haven't worked...we are past "minor problems" and are not over-reacting.

In short, treat me like you always have, with care and concern for what is going on in my life. Don't treat me any differently and avoid this part of me like it is an elephant in the room. Infertility is part of who I am and I want my friends and family to embrace me for ALL of who I am, not just the parts they are comfortable with. I know it is not something people are traditionally comfortable talking about...but that needs to change in a big way. So again, I'm not a frail and fragile woman so stop pitying me and go back to treating me like the normal Jenny, Jen or Jennifer you know!!! If I need to cry I will cry, just like anyone else.
I hope this makes sense. I just thought it would be helpful, as I know some people are not sure exactly how to approach the subject or if they can talk about it. PLEASE DO! I started this blog to break the silence...so talk to me about it and know that it is ok. That doesn't mean we have to talk about it everytime we get together...lol...that might get depressing (and it shouldn't always be about me..hehe)....but if you wanna know how I'm doing or ask something, please feel free!

Love you all!!

Jen

The ethics of it all

Ok so I didn't want to post again because I feel like a blogging maniac that just won't shut up, but it was really on my heart to address the ethics of IVF, being a Christian woman.
So, I must say that at first I was ademantly opposed to IVF. There was no way, no how, nowhere I was ever going to do IVF. This wasn't because I had anything against the IVF process....it was because I was so sure and so determined to have my own pregnancy naturally (or at least with the help of Clomid or herbal treatments). But, almost like a light switch (God's funny that way) my heart and mind changed.
I can't really explain why other than God was at work and he wanted me to let go of my own way and follow His.
Now for some of you, thinking IVF is God's way is probably kind of a hard thing to grasp. God made man and woman and gave us the parts, the hearts and the love, and we're supposed to go forth and multiply. Which is all fine and dandy...if your parts work. My ovaries are somewhat tempermental. They don't really like to cooperate too much.
Don't get me wrong, if I had it my way I'd be having a baby the good ol' fashioned way. I tried to get that to work. I even tried natural remedies to make my body do what it was supposed to. Those didn't work either. I just want a baby...and I'll try anything to get one..lol
I tried the 'mild fertility drugs' my doctor perscribed. Those didn't work (and as you read in my Clomid post, all they did was make me feel like gross).
I am serious when I say that IVF was off the table when I first started my fertility treatment journey. It was a topic not to be discussed because I was sooooo sure it wouldn't ever get to that point. But it did. I cannot seem to get pregnant the natural way or without the help of a doctor...which is fine. I'll get my beautiful, bouncing baby one way or another!
Now you're also wondering why don't you just adopt a sweet baby who needs a home. I thought about it. I looked around at the people I knew who had adopted children, and the people I knew who had given children up for adoption. I researched adoption....I did a lot of searching, soul and otherwise. I realized that FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) is not something that you will necessarily discover in a child until they are school aged. I realized that potential birth mothers could be ingesting drugs, alcohol or any number of illegal substances and I would never know until my baby started to show the signs...and there is no return policy (sounds harsh I know, but I could be in control of my own body, and any defects a child born of my body had I could handle and deal with...I have worked with children who have special needs for years, I have no problem and do not discriminate against them, but to pay to adopt a baby that could potentially have any number of health issues, was not a risk i  was or am willing to take.) Needless to say, after my research, I realized that I could pay money to be on a list and potentially adopt a child that could potentially have any number of health issues, and I'd hopefully love that baby no matter what....or....I could do IVF. At this point, I was still so against IVF so you can imagine the emotional turmoil and persistent and tearful prayers for a natural, miracle pregnancy to just happen.
I didn't get that natural, miracle pregnancy wish. But what I did get was a softening of the heart from the Lord towards the thought of IVF. So I did some more research. Luc and I decided it was the right option for us. We would spend the money to get our baby and it would be OUR baby. Our flesh and blood. This is really important to us. Luc is the last male LeBlanc in his family. If we don't have children, his family tree ends with him. Not to mention that I have always dreamed of being pregnant one day. I feel it is my right as a woman to experience that. I know it will happen and we will get our beautiful bundle of joy...it will just be in a slightly different way than others around us.
Yes...I could try for years to get a baby naturally and maybe get one, like some of the lucky ladies I know...but my window of opportunity (for success) with IVF is very short. At the young age of 25 I am at what they say is the 'prime time' to do IVF....your success decreases with each passing year. I don't have time on my side to wait and hope and pray for a miracle. This must be why God has softened my heart. Also, the longer I wait, the harder it would be to conceive more than one child should we pursue IVF a second time....all things I need to think about.
Now, what exactlly is IVF....
(taken from Wikipedia)
In vitro fertilisation (IVF) is a process by which egg cells are fertilised by sperm outside the body: in vitro. IVF is a major treatment in infertility when other methods of assisted reproductive technology have failed. The process involves hormonally controlling the ovulatory process, removing ova (eggs) from the woman's ovaries and letting sperm fertilise them in a fluid medium. The fertilised egg (zygote) is then transferred to the patient's uterus with the intent to establish a successful pregnancy.
Sorry I got all science-y on you there. You read that, and if you're me, you don't really see how there is an issue, because it's still you and your husband creating a child....it just requires some medical intervention.

Here it is, this real 'issue'
The embryos. Or, as I like to call them Em-babies. Those embryos will be my children (even if they are sitting in a petri dish or frozen and just waiting to be born).
When you go through IVF lots and lots (well hopefully lots) of little eggies are retrieved and the good ones are fertilized with the good swimmers. They do their thing and like magic...you have your embryos. The doctor implants those little em-babies and you hope and pray and hope and pray that they stay there and grow and 9 months later you have your precious miracle bundle.
Now, not all those little embabies are going to be implanted necessarily. Sometimes you end up with 10 or more embryos...and you cannot implant 10 embryos. So what do you do with the ones that don't get implanted?
Oh yes, there is a list of options they give you in how to deal with the em-babies.
You can freeze them and then use them later (obvious choice)
You can donate them to a couple in need on healthy embryos to have a child of their own (sort of like adoption....and definitely my second choice)
You can donate them to medical research (i don't think so)
You can toss them in the trash or "destroy" them (and kill my children, I don't think so, this should be illegal!)

So just in case you were wondering, curious, or worried about the ethics of IVF and my Christian beliefs, I hope this has helped to clear things up and give you a greater sense of support in my journey towards concieving and giving birth to my own biological child.

Sorry for the long windedness and if it seemed a little dis-jointed or wierdly constructed. That's what happens when you ramble.

Love Always,

Jen

I am overwhelmed

Wow!
I knew you all were wonderful supportive friends and family, but this is overwhelming. I feel so truly blessed to know every single one of you.
This is a hard, heart-wrenching, anger-inducing, emotional rollercoaster of a journey and I need all of you there beside me along the way. You have no idea how amazing it feels to not have to hold back any more.
I feel like a new person. Like I don't have to pretend to be happy and ok anymore just to avoid the explanation of why I might be feeling a little down in the dumps or angry or whatever it is I'm feeling other than good.
It is a day by day thing.
Most days, I am happy as a pig in mud. I'm joyful and exuberant and live life to the fullest and feel lucky to be alive and I thank God for everything I have and the people I know and the experiences I get to have in this life. On these days I am hopeful. I am consumed by a love for God and a faith in God that makes me feel that anything is possible. Like I said, this is most days.
But, some days, I cry a lot and I am sad. On those days it's hard to see past the "I'm an infertile failure of a woman" thoughts and I drown myself in a river of tears and self-pity.
Some days I am angry. On these days I go through the whole "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" A lot of the angry days turn into sad days, and vice versa. They sort of go hand in hand.
Even though I started this blog less than a day ago....it has been a huge help. The outpouring of support and love and prayers from friends and family has been amazing and I am so glad that I made the decision to just let it all out. I feel more understood, I feel I can just be me and people will now understand that a part of being me is dealing with this infertility thing, and that some days that is harder than others.

This blog got it's title honestly.....because here I go rambling on and on again.

Thanks for your support. I love all of you so much. I can't get through this without you.

What this blog means to me...

ca·thar·sis/kə’THärsis/ (noun)
1. The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.


FREEDOM!
Knowing that my friends and family are aware of what I am going through and are able to better pray for and support me!
A documented history of the journey I am on, a journal or diary of sorts that I can look back on years from now.

Hey, Clomid. You SUCK!

For all of you who are wondering how we arrived at the place in our life where we now are considering IVF....last year I was sent to Dr. M, who is a G.P. area specialist. He put me on a drug known as Clomid. This blog post is a venting of my feelings towards Clomid (which did not work for me). I obviously acknowledge that any difficulties I encounter are 150% worth it because they are all part of a journey to get me a baby. This is a bit about what Clomid is and what it was like for me when I took it...nothing more!
What Clomid is...well, it is a fertility medication that is given in order to help a woman to ovulate and/or release more eggs. It didn't work for me...even at the extreme dosage I was on at 200mg. What it did do, and what it does do to many though is very unpleasant.
Now, we all know what PMS is. We all know that it sucks. Bloating, cramping, feeling tired...yuck..the whole things blows. Well take PMS and multiply it by 100 and that is what Clomid does to you. You are tired, you feel like you are the size of a whale, you feel nauseous, your an emotional wreck (which you really needed help with because you're already on this crap because you can't get pregnant) you feel like you might punch someone at any given second. It's a lot of fun, but hey...if it gets you to ovulate and helps you make a baby...it is SOOOOO worth it!!! Now, you can pretend, like I did, or really try to convince yourself that you are having no side effects...but once you stop taking it, it is then that you realize just how much it screwed you up. Once I stopped taking Clomid my cycles were extremely messed up. Take the most recent one. Get a period that lasts over a week, oh and then why not have another one a week later just for fun. Bleh! I miss the days that they were only 3 days long and the worst part was the cramps...
Obviously I am no longer taking Clomid. I did not ovulate on Clomid at all. Now I will emphasize again that I would try anything to get pregnant regardless of the side-effects. I am not complaining about the side effects...I'm honestly expressing how it worked for me and made me feel. I am also letting you all know that just because you take fertility meds does not mean you will ovulate and that I did not ovulate...so I did not get pregnant while on it, so in the end it was just another part of my journey that has lead me to IVF.
Right now I am currently waiting to see a specialist in Calgary July 21/22 about IVF and once we have done that we will, at some point, be going to Victoria to receive treatment.
Anyways, this is me rambling on.
We're continuing to save all our pennies and send up our prayers and one day we'll make it to Victoria and hopefully that will be where we conceive the child of our dreams.
Until then you get to read my ramblings and rants and all that jazz

Thanks for your love and support!

Jen

Well, if at first you don't succeed...try try again?

It's been 3 years. 3 years since we said our "I do's." 3 years since "for better or for worse" and I must say, I didn't think we were heading for worse.
The love is there, the marriage strong, we are blessed to have so much: Each other, AMAZING family and friends, a beautiful home, great jobs, a cute little dog that we love...I could go on. God is good and we have been blessed with much.
But....after what feels like an eternity of trying, we have no baby. Now, I knew the chance of problems was high since I was diagnosed with PCOS (in lamens terms...hormonal imbalance which causes irregular/non-existent periods and thus irregular/non-existent ovulation) when I was 17. However, when your doctor makes you think you'll have no problems getting pregnant and "worst case scenario" you need a mild fertility drug....you get your hopes up high that whenever you want a baby, you'll just be able to have one...simple as that.
WRONG! Oh how wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong! Mild fertility drug does not describe the climb from 50mg, to 100mg, to 150mg to 200mg of Clomid over a span of a few short months. It doesn't describe the fact that my ovaries just laughed and said, "is that the best you got?" and refused to release any eggs. Over the past 2 years, that dream of getting pregnant easily or with the help of mild fertility drugs has been shattered, and I have been left feeling rather like a defective female being incapable of producing a human life. Words cannot describe the emotional turmoil that has been my life for the last year. Only someone who has gone through it would understand. The tears I've cried could flood the seas. The desperate prayers and cries to the Lord have been many. There is nothing I want more than to be a mother. The constant "when are you guys gonna have a baby?" or "why don't you have any kids?" have stabbed like knives over and over again. It has only been recently that I have decided to suffer in silence no longer. Why should I be ashamed of something I cannot control?? I didn't choose infertility. It is not my fault that I cannot get pregnant without medical assistance. I refuse to be ashamed any longer.
My name is Jennifer and I am infertile and yes I want a baby and dammit I am gonna have one through the miracle of medical science and by the grace of God.
This is my blog. I have decided to share with friends and family my ramblings and rants on this journey I have been on and continue to be on.