Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

Well, it's official. We have a telephone consultation with Dr. Hudson from the Victoria clinic November 26. Finally! Now it's just a matter of remaining patient until then. Thankfully, it's just over a month away. In 1 month we will have a definite plan and I keep telling myself that having a clear and definite plan will make things easier. Uncertainty is kind of hard to deal with. I don't know what the Dr. is going to say or what his specific plan will be. I know what they said in Calgary, but who knows if it will be the same thing in Victoria. All I know is that hearing from the Dr. himself will really set my mind at ease and give me a goal to work towards that seems much more tangible than the one I feel I currently have. After our consultation it will only be 5 months before we go for treatment. Hard to even fathom that at this point. The thought stirs up all sorts of emotions. Excitement, anxiety, fear, worry, joy...a total mixed bag of feelings. If I don't die from the suspense of waiting then we'll be golden!

On another note however, I've had a bit of a rough time lately. It might be hard to understand, but just over 1 year ago, we started treatment with Clomid. I was sure it was going to work for me, and as some of you know, by December I thought it had (of course it didn't...hence the fact that I have no baby). I can't help but think about it. I think back at the hopefulness I had last September. That excitement and anticipation that I was finally going to be a mommy and life would finally begin! If my prayers had been answered and my dreams had come true I would have a beautiful 4 month old baby right now. Unfortunately I do not. I'm still waiting. On the bright side, that sad, bitter, angry and depressed person I was last winter...for all those months...that is not who I am today...though I do get a little sad from time to time if I let my mind wander to thoughts of baby rooms, bonnets and booties and the fact that I have no babies and am about to turn 26 (a time when I had envisioned myself having at least 2 or 3 children). I am actually very hopeful and positive and I feel like things in every part of my life are better because of my new outlook on things. Accepting my fate has been liberating. IVF does not have to be a curse unless you let it seem like one. It is just one more challenge I must face. Sometimes I think that God is just testing me to make sure I'm really fit to be a mother. It's not a job for sissies who aren't willing to fight for it and invest all of themselves..and each day I have to wait and fight and persist is building me up to become the best mother in the eyes of God...or at least that is what I tell myself to make it seem a little less harder to endure. Who knows? I just know in my heart of hearts that I am meant to be a mother. Every ounce of me just bleeds motherhood. I think I've been told this since I was a baby myself. I have a real gift for loving others. Children in particular. Right now I have a classroom full of these amazing children that I get to spend time with and enjoy everyday and that is a huge blessing to me. Being a teacher is such a privilege because I get to share in the lives of some very amazing kids and I can say that I have helped them to grow. It blows my mind when I stop to think about it. I educate children for a living. They learn things from me! It's probably the coolest job ever. It's a hard job, but man...it is so awesome and 100% rewarding. It's funny because people always think I am crazy for wanting to teach other people's children and they also make a lot of comments like "how could you want kids when you have to deal with the kids you deal with everyday?" Well, though there are days that are harder than others....teaching does nothing but confirm my desire to be a mother. I enjoy what I do. I love each and every one of my students...even the ones that drive me crazy! There is just something special about each one of them, and my ability to see that makes my job a lot easier to do. So until I get children of my own, I will enjoy each moment I can share with the ones I have at the school. Notice I said "until" I get (not IF!)
Anyways, here I go rambling again.
Just have to wait for that phone call and things will really start to come together!
Thanks for reading!

Love you all

Jen