Taking steps forward....EEK!

It's official!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 29 I will be getting on a plane and flying to Victoria and I will be there until April 13th! I talked to the clinic today and was told that whenever worked for me would work for them! Talk about service I tell ya! Usually it's the other way around! So cool. So, I have decided to take the 4 days before Spring break off plus the Thursday and Friday before in order to give myself some re-coup time before I have to go back to school on April 16th! I'm so excited!!! Flights and accommodations have been booked and the wheels are in motion.  Airmiles more than cover the flights for me, mom and Luc so that is a HUGE blessing...we just have to pay for the taxes/fees which is a lot less than 3 people round-trip!! I must say though, once I got the call this afternoon after work saying to book for whatever dates I wanted the stress immediately set in (man, being the decision maker and having to finalize all the details is hard!!)...Please pray for my mind to be at ease and for this to not be an issue, I have a history of being a worry wart when it comes to these sorts of things...which is completely out of character to my normal, everyday, easy/breezy, go with the flow self! Anyways....things are starting to happen and happen rather quickly here. I have so little time before I'll be off and away for Part One of my Two-Part IVF experience.
Stay tuned!

Thanks for the prayers! They are much appreciated!

God Bless!

Love, Jen

Alice (Underground) Avril Lavigne - Lyrics

Here is a song to musically represent the journey I have been on this year.

Just like the lyrics say:

"When the world is crashing down, When I fall and hit the ground, I will turn myself around, Don't you try to stop me!"

The news that we were to have IVF was devastating at first, but I did not let that stop me. My dream is to be a mother and with a lot of faith and trust in my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I have gotten through and in a few short months my dreams will be coming true.

Thank you all for supporting me in love and prayer,

I love you all!

God Bless!

May the year 2012 be full of blessings for all of us!

Jen

My Christmas Rant (I apologize in advance if this offends anyone)

Well I'm sitting here, it's after midnight and I just can't seem to fall asleep. It's technically Christmas eve (just super early in the morning).
I haven't really been in the Christmas spirit too much this year. I think that is because there is a lot about the way Christmas is celebrated that really bothers me. Take "Santa Claus" for example. Now, don't get me wrong, the idea of a jolly old man who unselfishly gives gifts to the children of the world...it's a nice concept. I had "Santa Claus" when I was young..I turned out alright. I guess what I don't appreciate is that it is a lie that children are told and it is a lie they feed into so they get more things...more presents. Kids don't ask for dollies and dinky cars nowadays, trust me, I've read the letters. They ask for things like quads, snowmobiles, cellphones, iPods, laptops, gaming systems, $$$ etc.$$$ etc.  I'm 25 soon to be 26 years old...some of these things I don't even own and cannot afford to own...yet kids write letters to Santa expecting to receive these things...and what is more sad, there are kids that actually receive these things as gifts (from "Santa"). Kind of raises the bar pretty high for the parents that cannot afford to buy these things for their children. Sort of makes the kid that gets a doll and not a laptop think Santa must hate her or something otherwise why did Sally get a laptop and all I got was a stinkin' doll? Also, what happened to the naughty and nice list??? I know there are kids out there who are naughty 85-95% of the time and they still get those quads, dirtbikes, snowmobiles, laptops, cellphones...you name it. Hmm...must be awesome to be that kid. I can do whatever I want without consequence...and basically get rewarded for acting like that all year long?! Nice. No, seriously, that is really messed up! I know you're supposed to be nice at Christmas but not disciplining your child all year and then giving them everything they want...yeah that doesn't sound like a recipe for success if you ask me.
Sorry, that was my rant on Santa Claus and how the whole Santa Claus thing is played out in homes around the world. I just cannot stand it. Yes, I play along with it every year. I'm a teacher, I have to. But, the whole buy buy buy, spend spend spend, shop shop shop, has made Christmas into this terrible holiday that makes me cringe and want to hide under a rock. The awkward "oh you bought us a gift, but we have chosen not to buy presents for anyone this year" conversation never ends in warm fuzzy feelings inside. It's terrible and the pressure and stress that comes along with it is enough to make a person sick.
Do you want to know what Christmas is truly supposed to be all about? CHRIST!
Yes, you heard me. Jesus Christ. Well over 2000 years ago God gave the ultimate gift to the people of Earth. He sent His son to be born of Mary and to be called Jesus, Emmanuel (God With Us). He was brought into the world only to die for the sins of man, that all who believe in Him shall have eternal life. God could not have given us a greater gift. That gift beats an iPod or a laptop or a quad any day of the week and Christmas should be a celebration of the fact that God gave us this wonderful gift of Jesus Christ. Santa Claus has nothing to do with it. It is not called Santa-mas...it's called Christ-mas! I have nothing against those of you who choose to celebrate Christmas with Santa Claus. It is your choice and I hope you enjoy your holidays and find joy in the moments you share with your family and loved ones. I hope the kids wake up and experience the same joy I did on Christmas morning thinking Santa had been there and left us all these wonderful presents. It is magical. Just do me a favour. Please do not forget that Christmas is the time to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. So, while you're thanking Santa for the presents he placed under your tree, send up a prayer of thanks. A thank you that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Sorry, this blog post has not had much to do with fertility, and it seems like I'm bashing Santa (which I'm not. Santa is a great story about unselfishly giving to others, and I'm a huge supporter of unselfish giving, really I am!!)

Moving onto the fertility side of things...in a little less than 4 months we will be heading to Victoria to begin the process of starting a family. You already know that but this Christmas, we have chosen to cut back on the gifts and material things. We are saving up our pennies diligently to make our dream of having a child come true. The Lord has been so good to us and He has not ceased in providing for us every step of the way. Our dream seems to be more and more within our reach every day. I am so grateful to have a loving God who not only gave His only Son as a gift to save me from my sins but who provides for me in every aspect of my life. Everything I have is because of Him and Him alone. I am so excited to begin this new chapter of my life. I have been working to lose some weight and get healthier. It has been baby steps, but I am doing it one step at a time. This new year we are about to embark on is about health and happiness. It is about prioritizing, that is, spending more time on things of importance and less time on the things that do not matter. I am turning over a new leaf. I have realized that part of that turning over a new leaf has included leaving the material/commerical/santa claus focused Christmas of my past IN the past and working towards a Christmas that is focused on Christ and his birth and all that means for us. That does not mean my kids won't know about Santa Claus. It does mean they will know he is not real. I will give my children gifts at Christmas..but they will be gifts from their father and I, not from some supernatural being who flies with reindeer and comes down a non-existent chimney. All I want for Christmas this year is to spend time with my husband, family and friends in celebration that Christ was born to save us all. That is a beautiful story and I encourage you to sit down with your children and read it to them! You'll be glad you did.
So I apologize for the fact that this is nearly exclusively a rant about Christmas, but it's my blog...and I'll write what I want to.....lol!
Merry Christmas!! May you truly feel the blessings of God upon you and feel truly grateful for all that has been given you!
Love to you all!

Jen

A bit more information...

So my doctor emailed me back after I asked him a few more questions. I sent another email in reply and am waiting on other answers...but in the mean time here is what I found out!

I am at risk of OHSS not just because of my polycystic ovaries but because I am so young. The younger you are the higher the chance and worse the OHSS can be.

A fresh transfer at the time of retrieval can still be successful but the odds go down by 20% =(  The doctor says he would only do a fresh transfer if we have enough good quality embryos (and if I was comfortable with it). He does say that there are still lots of successful pregnancies achieved with the use of GnRH agonists instead of HcG. I have emailed him in response that it bothers me to not give my baby the best chance at survival...but that ultimately I'd like to think on it and hear his professional insight.

If we did not do a fresh transfer it would be 6weeks before my body would be calmed down enough to start the 2 weeks of estrogen treatment I would need to get ready for a frozen transfer. Then I would only have to go to Victoria for a few days to go through a frozen transfer! This takes us to about mid June. I should be pregnant before summer vacation !!! =)

I have a prescription of metformin to fill and we both have some lab work to get done.


And again, I just feel this whole journey has been in God's hands and I feel so at ease, especially with my doctor. He must have been hand picked by the man upstairs himself! He really does make me feel so cared for. So I am singing the praises of my heavenly father as always! He has made this journey so much easier!

I tell ya...it feels amazing to have things in motion!! My new year is looking more and more like the new year I had envisioned! I cannot wait =D


God bless you all!

I will keep you posted!

For now, continue to lift us up in prayer. It is greatly appreciated!

Love you all!!

Jen

So the journey continues..

So yesterday was the big day....the phone consultation with Dr.H from Victoria. I have never had a doctor make me feel so comfortable and cared for in all my many experiences with doctors in my life thus far. It was a nice change! He outlined our medical history and asked me questions to get a clear picture of our situation and he then outlined our options. He pretty much had the same options as the doctor we spoke with in Calgary. Injectables to make me ovulate and try,try again, Ovarian drilling (and try, try again), a combination of 3 different oral drugs and try, try again OR... IVF with ICSI. If I had chosen any of the other options other than IVF Luc would also be subject to various tests and procedures as well. Now, you may be wondering, with the options aforementioned why would we choose to go with IVF. Well...after years of try, try, try, try, try, try again....and my lovely experience with Clomid...I feel like subjecting myself to scientific experimentation yet again to see if MAYBE it could work just doesn't sound like the kind of new year I was hoping for. I am so done with maybes and finger crossing and getting my hopes up just to have them dashed. I know IVF will work. Even if it doesn't work the first time...I know it will work. Just like regular people know that eventually it will work for them if they do things the old fashioned way. The doctor instilled me with a lot of hope that it would work for me. I don't get that same hopefulness when I look at the other options. When I look at the other options I see stress, emotional chaos, maybes, blood tests, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests...months of convincing myself I'm finally pregnant to find out I didn't even ovulate.......it sounds like torture! Now, you're thinking...well aren't you going to experience some of this with IVF? The answer is yes, I am. Am I going to get pregnant with IVF? Yes! Am I going to get pregnant whilst travelling down one of the other routes? MAYBE! Gah! That maybe is killer. I just can't even think about hearing a maybe or waiting and waiting and waiting to see if I MAYBE just might get to be a mother anymore. I have spent to much of my life living that maybe and it is worse than anything else I have ever experienced. It's inexplicable. IVF means hope. IVF means a baby. IVF means parenthood for Luc and I. IVF means a dream come true.
Now, the real kicker. As we all know I have polycystic ovaries. Women with polycystic ovaries like myself can have IVF but we are in the danger zone when it comes to Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome. My doctor explained to me that this is because of HcG. HcG is usually given to release the mature follicles before retrieval. In most women this would not be a problem. You get the HcG trigger, release your follicles and your body is in a state to accept the embryos when it comes to implantation. Now, because I have a risk of serious complications from OHSS, the doctor would not use HcG to release the follicles but something called a GnRH agonist. The GnRH agonist does the same job as the HcG in releasing the follicles but it decreases the success rate of that cycle of IVF because unlike HcG  it does not as well prepare the body to receive and properly implant an embryo. Because of this our doctor has proposed vitrification. It is the latest freezing technology used in fertility clinics. Old freezing technologies compromised the embryos because many did not survive the thaw due to the water in them crystallizing during the freezing process. With vitrification there is no crystallization because it undergoes the freezing process in a fraction of a second and the thaw is very successful. Success rates with embryos that have been vitrified are just a good as those done with fresh embryos. This means that our first go at IVF would be mostly focused on the retrieval off eggs and creation of the embryos. The doctor said if he felt we had "any to spare" he would possibly try a fresh transfer at that time, but that the majority would be vitrified. Once our retrieval was complete and our embryos were created and vitrified, the doctor would allow my body to sort of calm down and then he would give me some medication to prepare my body better to receive the embryos and we would do a frozen embryo transfer at a later date. I am waiting to hear the time lines on all of this stuff. I do not know how long between retrieval/vitrification and frozen embryo transfer. I will create another post when I know more. For now though, we are planning on going over Easter break to start the process. Surprisingly that is less than 5 months away! I am so excited to begin this new phase of our journey! Now that I know the fate that lies ahead I feel a huge sense of calm and a lot less anxiety over what I am about to experience. Please continue to lift us up in prayer.
Thanks for reading,

Love you all!

Jen

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

Well, it's official. We have a telephone consultation with Dr. Hudson from the Victoria clinic November 26. Finally! Now it's just a matter of remaining patient until then. Thankfully, it's just over a month away. In 1 month we will have a definite plan and I keep telling myself that having a clear and definite plan will make things easier. Uncertainty is kind of hard to deal with. I don't know what the Dr. is going to say or what his specific plan will be. I know what they said in Calgary, but who knows if it will be the same thing in Victoria. All I know is that hearing from the Dr. himself will really set my mind at ease and give me a goal to work towards that seems much more tangible than the one I feel I currently have. After our consultation it will only be 5 months before we go for treatment. Hard to even fathom that at this point. The thought stirs up all sorts of emotions. Excitement, anxiety, fear, worry, joy...a total mixed bag of feelings. If I don't die from the suspense of waiting then we'll be golden!

On another note however, I've had a bit of a rough time lately. It might be hard to understand, but just over 1 year ago, we started treatment with Clomid. I was sure it was going to work for me, and as some of you know, by December I thought it had (of course it didn't...hence the fact that I have no baby). I can't help but think about it. I think back at the hopefulness I had last September. That excitement and anticipation that I was finally going to be a mommy and life would finally begin! If my prayers had been answered and my dreams had come true I would have a beautiful 4 month old baby right now. Unfortunately I do not. I'm still waiting. On the bright side, that sad, bitter, angry and depressed person I was last winter...for all those months...that is not who I am today...though I do get a little sad from time to time if I let my mind wander to thoughts of baby rooms, bonnets and booties and the fact that I have no babies and am about to turn 26 (a time when I had envisioned myself having at least 2 or 3 children). I am actually very hopeful and positive and I feel like things in every part of my life are better because of my new outlook on things. Accepting my fate has been liberating. IVF does not have to be a curse unless you let it seem like one. It is just one more challenge I must face. Sometimes I think that God is just testing me to make sure I'm really fit to be a mother. It's not a job for sissies who aren't willing to fight for it and invest all of themselves..and each day I have to wait and fight and persist is building me up to become the best mother in the eyes of God...or at least that is what I tell myself to make it seem a little less harder to endure. Who knows? I just know in my heart of hearts that I am meant to be a mother. Every ounce of me just bleeds motherhood. I think I've been told this since I was a baby myself. I have a real gift for loving others. Children in particular. Right now I have a classroom full of these amazing children that I get to spend time with and enjoy everyday and that is a huge blessing to me. Being a teacher is such a privilege because I get to share in the lives of some very amazing kids and I can say that I have helped them to grow. It blows my mind when I stop to think about it. I educate children for a living. They learn things from me! It's probably the coolest job ever. It's a hard job, but man...it is so awesome and 100% rewarding. It's funny because people always think I am crazy for wanting to teach other people's children and they also make a lot of comments like "how could you want kids when you have to deal with the kids you deal with everyday?" Well, though there are days that are harder than others....teaching does nothing but confirm my desire to be a mother. I enjoy what I do. I love each and every one of my students...even the ones that drive me crazy! There is just something special about each one of them, and my ability to see that makes my job a lot easier to do. So until I get children of my own, I will enjoy each moment I can share with the ones I have at the school. Notice I said "until" I get (not IF!)
Anyways, here I go rambling again.
Just have to wait for that phone call and things will really start to come together!
Thanks for reading!

Love you all

Jen

Really hoping it's the best year ever!

I've been getting my classroom ready for back to school this last little while. As some of you know the school has been under renovations so it has been kind of a crazy process getting things ready for children to actually be able to occupy the building. The school looks awesome and the stage is set for us to have an amazing year. It has got me to thinking about the changes I am making in my own life (kind of like the changes being made to the school). I have decided to make some lifestyle changes, starting with the food that I eat. I have decided to eat more healthfully (begin to eliminate my unhealthy food vices and replace those bad habits with good habits) and carry a water bottle with me at all times and drink from it regularly. I am also going to begin to be more active. These changes are necessary for me to lead a long, healthy life and in order for me to pass down healthy habits to my future children. These changes are also necessary so that I can better prepare myself for IVF. I could stand to lose a few pounds. I'm not unhappy with myself, I love me as I am, but...improvements could always be made. With our plans for IVF sitting around Easter/Spring break time next year I have some time to focus on these health goals and really try to achieve them. Thankfully my family (mother, sisters, husband...etc) have all been making healthy changes so that I am not alone (like I have been in the past). It is nearly impossible to be successful in making healthy lifestyle changes if you are going in alone.
Needless to say it has been an interesting year so far, from extreme despair over the fact that we are unable to conceive naturally, to extreme happiness with the birth of my beautiful niece, and the changes that have been made personally in my life. I am excited for the school year in our new and improved building...and I am excited for this year in my personal life, as it is a new journey for health and wellness as well as the journey to finally become pregnant via IVF.
I love you all so much and you have been very supportive.
Thanks so much for being there!

Jen