The story of us continues....

August 2012 was my last post. WOW! All I can say is that when I last left you...I was not in a happy place. I wondered if I would ever have the strength to pick myself up and try, try again. It took awhile but I finally felt strong enough...eventually. Yes I put the pieces of my broken heart back together and in June of 2013 we returned to Victoria to try yet again....and yet again we felt the pain of failure. Only this time it was different. I really started to think about WHY this was happening to me. My doctor kept saying "Your uterine lining just won't thicken enough for your embryos to properly implant and stay there. That is why this keeps failing." I took that information and decided to try to find out how I could fix this problem. My research revealed some interesting things and I soon realized I was my own worst enemy. I had been the reason our IVF was not successful. Turns out if you want a nice thick uterine lining you need to be physically active and you need to eat a healthy diet. These were things I was definitely not doing ...but I resolved to try anything and everything to get myself in the best shape of my life. I started with a fertility cleanse and eating a bit healthier. In September of 2013 I began going to Zumba twice a week. I was losing weight little by little. In October I went to a "Help for Hormones" seminar, where I learned about saliva testing to see how imbalanced your hormones are. A person then goes over this with you and makes recommendations for changes you can make. I had nothing to lose so I gave it a shot. The saliva test revealed that my hormones were way out of whack. Low estrogen, low progesterone, low cortisol...the works. I started a vitamin regimen, taking progesterone cream and following a grain free diet and before long my periods were back and I was losing weight like crazy. I continued to follow this lifestyle and lose weight and I was doing great. In the spring of 2014 I began running (after a friend of mine who was training for a 10.5 km run asked if I'd be interested in training with her). I decided to give it a go and I fell in love with it. By August I was running up 7 km in one go! I had gone from being a size 20 in August 2012 (and staying that size for almost the whole next year)...to being a size 12 in August 2014. During these healthy lifestyle changes I finally gained the confidence to try again. So...we made arrangements to return to Victoria this summer. Our goal was to return in July. Things didn't work out. We got delayed because of blood test results getting to the clinic slow and so we had to postpone until August. I wasn't overjoyed about this. August was going to be a hugely busy month. My in-laws would be here for just over a week...and the of course there is the back to school preparations. BUT...we found a date that would work to go back. August 21. We rearranged the plans and made it work. It wasn't going to be with Dr Hudson (he was away on holidays) but Dr Graham would be doing the procedure. (Once we got there we realized not only was their no Dr Hudson...there was no Tammi or Leigh either.....it was a nurse we weren't familiar with too!) Not only that, but the whole protocol that we followed to get prepared for IVF was different. NO needles! I was on viagra of all things (not in the way you'd imagine...it's actually great for uterine lining...google it!!) Anyway, this is where it gets good people. Sometimes plans don't work out the way we want them to. We think we need things to work out one way but God has different plans and he truly knows best. All these changes (me, my lifestyle, doctor, nurse, protocol)...they equated to success! On labor day, 2 days before I was due to go for my blood test, I had this feeling that I was supposed to take a pee test. So at 6am on Labor Day...I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE!! I was in disbelief! I mean...I was completely in shock. Crying, hysterical shock. I woke Luc up from a dead sleep screaming "LUC! Wake up!"  And he...in his groggy sleep voice said "What? What's wrong?" I (crying of course) said "We're going to have a baby! I just took a test." He continued "It worked?" "Yes! Unless I'm going crazy. There are two lines on that test. Go look." He got out of bed and checked. "Yeah. There are. Holy crap we're going to have a baby!"
Yes folks. 3 blood tests and 2 pee tests later..lol..we finally believe and we are adjusting to the fact that we really are going to be parents. I'm 9 and a half weeks! We've seen the heartbeat on the ultrasound and we know it's real...but man we kind of thought it might never happen for us. But, God says yes to his promises! We just had to wait for his timing and let me tell you the timing could not be better. Our due date is May 10 and we are beyond excited. I am so happy to finally be able to share some wonderful news with you and to catch you all up on what has happened in our journey since we left you last in August 2012.
Much love and God bless!

Jen
xoxoxox

A million little pieces...

Negative again. Utterly devastating heartbreak hardly comes close to describing how I feel. I feel like a completely defective human being. I feel shattered. I don't know how much more broken my heart can get. The hardest part is knowing there is no explanation of why and that we won't have the ability to try again for a very long time. I don't know why we have to endure this, but I know there must be some reason bigger than I know...some grand plan. God is in control. I don't know what to do or say. It's hard enough to breathe at this moment, let alone anything else. I knew today would either be the best day or worst day of my life. It is definitely the worst. God give me strength to overcome this and move forward. Keep us in your prayers.
Jen

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

So, transfer was done almost 2 weeks ago and the pregnancy test is tomorrow. Dr. Hudson said everything went as good as it possibly could....nothing could've been better. I have a lot of confidence that things are going to work out this time, but with my pregnancy test tomorrow, I can't help but feel a bit of fear..because of the disappointment and heartache I went through last time. It does feel different this time, but I am guarding my heart out of fear. Please pray for me now, and throughout the day tomorrow. It is going to be a long and agonizing wait for the results. I am trusting in the lord and the answered prayers so far (lining, progesterone, estrogen..etc). I want these babies so bad and love them so much already. My hope is in you Lord, all the day long. Thanks for your prayers, love and support. I cherish them with all my heart. Here's hoping and believing I'll have good news to share soon

Love you all,

Jen

YAY!

Ok, so I'm pretty much ecstatic to say that we're finally going back to VICTORIA!!!!!! Ultrasound looks good, progesterone looks good...just waiting on the Estradiol results..but Dr. Hudson feels comfortable moving ahead knowing what he knows thus far =)
PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy. I was so worried that things might not work out, but, I have been praying and faithfully believing that if it was God's will, things would work out this time!
So, Wednesday we will leave for Victoria, embryo transfer Thursday, rest on Friday and home on Saturday.
Hallelujah! Thank you for your prayers!!
Praying for success this time <3
Continue to remember us as you feel lead!!

Love you all,

Jen

An update on the update....lol

Well it wasn't the best news...but it wasn't the worst either. I'm thankful for a clinic that is straight up with me and says "we don't want you to come back until things are just right!" Thank goodness! I know Rome wasn't built in a day so I don't expect the perfect conditions for baby growing to just develop in a jiffy either. I did just have a D&C less than a month ago!! So..here we go again...another period to induce and then another try to get just the right conditions. Doctor H will be taking a slightly different approach this time..as I had to take an injectable called Suprefact that last couple of times..and this time I'm just going to be taking the Estrace, which is an estrogen pill. Sounds like they are taking a "slow and steady/gentler" approach. I'm totally fine with all of this too. I just want the perfect conditions so I can go back and know in my heart of hearts that everything possible has been done to insure that I get pregnant and stay pregnant this time. Also, I'm pretty thankful I didn't have to leave to Victoria right this very second because my very best friend in the whole world is having a baby and I would definitely not want to miss that! Not to mention some very close friends who just had a baby earlier this week and I'm dying to meet that little one as well. Seems it's just not exactly the right moment right now, and that's ok. God is guiding the way and He will insure that everything works out as it should according to His plan.
Thanks again for all your love and support and prayers. I will keep you posted as I know more. Right now we just wait for the next cycle to start!

Love you all,

Jen

Update...

Hey all! This is just a quick little post. Most of you think I'm in Victoria...since it's the 19th. Actually I'm not. I'm still in G.P. At my ultrasound on July 12th my uterine lining was measuring at 6-7mm which was too thin, as it needs to be over 8mm before I can start my progesterone to get me ready to go back. Also (ironically enough) my progesterone levels were elevated, and that can (in exact words) "advance the endometrium and decrease the chances of a successful implantation." So...waiting on just the right conditions, and you know what...that's ok!! I don't want to rush anything. I'm thankful for time off that allows me to be flexible and wait for the perfect conditions. So, today I have more bloodwork and another ultrasound and I am hoping for good news, but, even if it's not time right now...it will be eventually! So thanks for all your heartfelt prayers and well wishes! I cherish them...just thought I'd let you all know that I'm sort of in "waiting" at the moment...but will update again when we find out more!
Thanks again for your prayers!
Love you all and God Bless!
Jen

In case you were wondering...

Hey all!
So it has been over a month since my last post came bearing the terrible news. You may be wondering what's going on with us as of lately.
Well, I said we weren't going to give up...and I meant it!!!
After our unfortunate news Dr. Hudson recommended taking at least a month off to let my body recover. He also recommended I have what is known as a D & C performed. That stands for Dilation and Curettage. For those of you who do not know what a D & C is, it is a surgical procedure in which the doctor dilates the cervix and, using an instrument known as a curette, scrapes the lining of the uterus and removes tissue. It is a procedure that is usually done after miscarriages, but the real reason I had to have this done is because of my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). You see because of my PCOS I do not get periods. With no period comes a build up of the uterine lining. If you don't have a period to remove that lining it literally just stays there, building up (for years!!!) It is really isn't healthy at all. In fact, amenhorrea (absence of periods) that goes untreated can lead to cancer and osteoporosis. Now, mine had been treated (a period had been induced by the birth control pill, monthly, from a young age) however, there are years and months where there was no period..and having one induced every so often only clears that months lining..not the build up! Now, I had never really thought of that before. A key ingredient to pregnancy is having a healthy uterus where an embryo will implant. I was missing that key ingredient this whole time. (Sorry for all this intense information...it's all part of the journey though...not trying to 'over-share'). Anyways...after finding out I needed this surgery and talking to ladies I know who have PCOS..it turns out that a lot of ladies with PCOS have a D&C as one of the first steps to improving their fertility....and here I am...doing IVF..what was described as a last ditch attempt to get pregnant....pretty much a final step...and I had never even heard of a D&C. Why did I not have this sooner?? Well, who knows?! I didn't..and here we are. So knowing I needed this surgery was one thing...having it done was another. You think it'd be easy. It's a 5-10 minute procedure..should be easy enough to have it done in Grande Prairie, right? WRONG! Apparently it is not that easy. So, off to Victoria we went to have this D&C performed. It went well and now all looks good. It also feels good knowing that several people I'm close with have become pregnant after their own D&C's. So with that out of the way, we will be going back to Victoria July 19 (god willing of course) and that will hopefully be the last time we have to go back. I still have to have an ultrasound and blood work done to make sure everything is on track. Of course, I was determined this time to not force anything into my own timeline or rush anything. I just wanted to let it happen. God can organize it. The doctor asked me when I wanted to try again and my response was "you let me know when you think is a good time". He chose July 19. He said I needed a D&C (which I was terrified wasn't going to happen because we had to find a way to get to Victoria...all these trips are expensive!)..but that happened and it went well. Once again, the Lord is leading the way..and I am relinquishing all control to him. I want to know that I am doing it on HIS terms..not my own. Last time I decided it had to be on a certain day and I knew I was pushing my luck (doctor hudson even said that it would be cutting it close :S )...and that is not letting go and letting God take over. I'm not blaming myself. I know if it was meant to be I'd be pregnant right now. But...I also know that I have taken every step I could possibly take...each one directed by God...and it has brought me to this point. If July 19 is the day...then July 19th is the day. Was it the day I had in mind..no...does that matter...no. My plans never seem to be the best plans...but the Lord...well His definitely are.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Those words give me so much hope. I know the Lord has a plan. If I can just get out of his way and let the plan unfold things would be a lot better..of that I am sure. Now maybe this sounds ridiculous to some of you, and that's fine..you are entitled to that opinion...but I truly believe Gods plans for us are good plans and that we will begin to see them unfold as soon as we put aside our own agendas, and submit to His because they are so much greater, so much more perfect than anything we could conceive in our own mind. So many of us are guilty of believing in Lord and his plans...but then butting in with our own agendas! We need to forget our agenda and just sit back and enjoy the ride. Everything will work out as it is intended to if we trust in the Lord and His plans and timing.
So I guess the lesson I have learned through all of this is to truly give it all to the Lord. He is greater than anyone or anything we can imagine.
1 Corinthians 2:9 
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him"! 
If we can just...as the old saying goes...."let go and let god"...I am 100% convinced that our lives would be 100% better than we could ever imagine. So the lessons have been to not give up, stay true to yourself and keep your faith strong, believe in the word of the Lord and know that He should ALWAYS be in control! Trust in Him always and in all ways trust Him!

Again...here I go rambling on and on. Hopefully that made at least some sense.

Continue to keep us in your prayers! We are staying positive and trusting the Lord through this whole process!

Love you all and God Bless,

Jen